


and love me again

by mothicalcreatures



Series: your sincerely attached friend [1]
Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, his genealogy listings are of dubious accuracy, historical fudgery re: charlewood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21541285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothicalcreatures/pseuds/mothicalcreatures
Summary: “It was wonderful at first, exciting.” He could already feel his eyes beginning to well with tears. “And we returned less than half the number we left.”“Christ,” Edward muttered.“Less than forty.”
Relationships: Commander James Fitzjames/Edward Philips Charlewood, Edward Philips Charlewood/Sarah Carlton Charlewood
Series: your sincerely attached friend [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559914
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	and love me again

**Author's Note:**

> [I have made a playlist for these lads, but it's not geared toward this fic specifically.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3YcvXp6oHpQF1uKHfni6b8)
> 
> The title is from "The Panic in Me" by Elton John off "The Road to El Dorado" soundtrack

James winced as the carriage jostled once again, sending a flare of pain down his spine and what was remained of his left arm. James’ arm had gone the same way that Blanky’s leg had, gangrene. Removing the arm above the bullet wound had been the only thing to do and he’d suffered through horrible fever before the wound in his back finally closed, but he’d been left limping. And that was all before the missing teeth and the fact that he was now mostly blind in his left eye. He felt absolutely miserable.

He tried to readjust himself to be more comfortable, but the problem was that the seat itself was very uncomfortable. As they’d disembarked from the ship, Francis had offered James a place to stay at the Rosses, where he would be staying, but James had declined saying he’d rather go home to be with family. Francis had nodded in understanding, before insisting that James write. They were friends, Francis had reminded him. He’d left James with a slip of paper with the Ross’s address and a promise (again) that James’ secret was safe.

And James had left after that, headed not for Brighton, where his brother lived, but for Kent, where his old friend Edward Charlewood had settled after he'd married Sarah. He realized as the carriage rattled along, that spending a few days with Francis at the Ross’s might have given him the time to write a letter to Edward informing him that he was home safely and intending to visit, but at the moment, he had been more concerned about not coming between Francis and Sir James, who had shared an unspoken intimacy on the voyage back that he was loathe to interrupt. It was the same sort of intimacy he’d once shared with Edward, before he’d married.

James was jolted out his thoughts as the carriage door was opened.

“We’ve arrived sir,” the driver said. “Do you need assistance with your trunk?”

He did. He could handle his small bag withhis one hand, but a large two handled trunk was unmanageable unless he dragged it, which he presently was not up for. Paying the driver and tipping him well for his assistance carrying his trunk up to the door, James knocked. He didn’t know if Edward would be home, he knew he’d been looking at a job on the rails when they’d sailed, but he wasn’t sure how much that job would have Edward traveling about.

It was a worry that amounted to nothing, however, because a few moments later Edward himself opened the door. His reaction was immediate and he pulled James into an embrace and, fighting back a hiss of pain at the jostling of his injuries, James returned the embrace as he could.

“Christ, James we were so worried.”

James didn’t get a chance to find his voice to speak before Edward had ushered him (and his trunk) inside.

“I’ll have Nance bring your trunk up to one of the spare rooms,” he said, hefting James trunk to the ground. “For now, however, let’s get you sitting down, you look like you’re about to keel over.” 

He was in pain, he realized as Edward said that. “That’s probably a good idea, my back and leg don’t much like the idea of standing these days.”

Edward grimaced, briefly, before leading James into the parlor andto the settee.

“Do I need to call for a doctor?” Edward asked, reaching to take James’ hand once they were seated.

James shook his head. “I’ve been seen to, don’t worry. They wouldn’t have let me go if I’d needed immediate further care.”

“Sarah will likely insist,” Edward said. “She’s found a doctor that’s… well _I_ think he’s eccentric, but Sarah just calls him ‘refreshingly modern,’ he has some strange ideas, but not ones that have brought anyharm, mostly just ones that don’t work.”

James chuckled, “I suppose that’s the trade off isn’t it. How is Sarah?”

Edward brightened considerably at that. “She’s very well, she gave birth to a daughter, just a few days ago. We… well we… we hadn’t… we named her after you. Alice Fitzjames Charlewood.”

“I’m touched,” James said, smiling. He knew what Edward had hesitated around saying. They’d thought him dead. But instead of following that line of thought James merely asked. “Is Annie excited to no longer be the only girl? She’d be what… six now?”

“Well, we actually had our second girl in 46, Sophia,” Edward said. “But Annie is very excited about now outnumbering the boys, and she’s been _very_ serious about being quiet when mama and the baby are sleeping.”

“She must get that from Sarah,” James said without missing a beat. “Is everyone here?” The house seemed awfully quite for housing five children.

Edward laughed. “There’s the James I remember, but to answer your question no, Annie andSophia are here, but the boys are off visiting Sarah’s parents.” He hesitated before continuing. “I very much want to ask what happened, but when I saw you at the door, I was terrified you were going to collapse right there.”

“I know I look ghastly,” James said. “It was… I never want to go north again. I’ll tell you everything, eventually, I promise.”

“Of course.” Edward shifted closer to James on the settee, tugging James forward gently in an invitation to lean on him.

It was an invitation that James’ accepted glady, fitting himself against Edward’s side and resting his head on his friend’s shoulder. Exhaustion swept through him almost immediately. 

“It was wonderful at first, exciting.” He could already feel his eyes beginning to well with tears. “And we returned less than half the number we left.”

“Christ,” Edward muttered.

“Less than forty.”

Out of habit, he made to reach to wipe at his eyes with his left hand, since his right was trapped between him and Edward and fully occupied since Edward had never let it go, before he remembered that all the remained of his left arm was a stump of only a few inches.

Edward, either understanding James intent or merely noting the tears himself, let go of James’ hand to wipe away the tears that had started to make their way down James’ cheeks.

James leaned into the touch for just a moment, before his mind traitorously reminded him that he didn’t have that sort of romantic relationship with Edward anymore, Edward was married, had children.James couldn’t come in now and ruin all that, just because those feelings had never really gone away and he was, at present, in desperate need of comfort.

He hadn’t even realized he’d started to pull away until Edward stopped him.

“James?”

“I’m sorry,” James mumbled as he settled back down against Edward.

Edward took James’ hand once again. “What on earth are you apologizing for?”

James laughed a little wetly, “It’s ridiculous.”

“It’s not,” Edward’s voice left no room for argument.“From what I can understand, you’ve been through hell and back.” 

“That’s not…” James began, but then trailed off again.

Edward sighed, and then did something that caught James completely off guard. He pressed a tender kiss to James hairline.

James’ breath caught in his throat. “Ed… what… you’re _married_ , Ed.”

“I will stop if you want me to,” Edward murmured quietly. “But I assure you, Sarah will not mind. She told me, not long after you sailed, that she’d guessed at it. Said ‘we seemed the type.’”

“Were we that obvious?” James felt a bit sick at the thought.

“No, no, not to anyone who didn’t know what to look for,” Edward assured him. “Sarah appreciates the fairer sex much the same way we do.”

“Oh.”

“So, will you let me kiss you again?”

“Not on the mouth,” James said. “But yes.” His breath still smelled quite rank in his own opinion and his gums still ached, though they had stopped bleeding some time ago.

Edward pressed another kiss to James’ hairline, this time letting it linger and James didn’t stop himself from leaning into it, his eyes slipping shut.

They sat in comfortable silence for several long moments before James spoke again. “Do you think things would have been different, if we’d been allowed to go to Antarctica with Ross?”

“I don’t know,” Edward said, caressing the back of James’ hand with his thumb. “I think you’d likely still have fallen in love with the ice and maybe even still volunteered to go North.”

“I just can’t help but thinking, if I’d had more experience in the Arctic…”He swallowed. “When we abandoned the ships and started walking Captain Crozier cited me as an expert of overland expedition, but just that wasn’t much help in the end. King William Land is nothing but rocks and ice. It was nothing like the terrain I was used to.”

“I’m sure you did everything you could,” Edward said and James truly wished he could believe that.

When no reply came from James, Edward spoke again. “Do you think you can manage the stairs? I don’t think Sarah would mind much if we disturbed her rest to let her know you’re home.”

James cracked his eyes open at that, though it felt very difficult. He was warm and comfortable here with Edward and his body very much wanted to sleep, but he did also want to see Sarah. “I think I can manage.”

He did manage, not without some difficulty, but with Edward’s help he made it up the stairs with only minor discomfort.

“I don’t imagine any of your guest rooms are downstairs?” James asked.

“They’re not,” Edward replied. “But if that’s what you need we can work something out.”

“No, I’ll be all right… I think… I imagine things will get easier with time.”

“And how long do you intend on staying?” Edward teased.

“I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to consider leaving,” James admitted. “Do let me know if you ever need me to spend a few weeks at my brother’s.”

It felt a bit forward to speak like he assumed a permanent place, but it had been Edward who had all but invited him into his marriage with Sarah.

Edward laughed softly before turning to knock quietly on the door they’d stopped at. When there was no response, he cracked the door open a bit and peered inside.

“The nursemaid has Alice,” he told James quietly, before more loudly greeting Sarah.

There was a sleepy grumble from the bed, “Is everything all right Ed?”

“Yes, everything it just fine, better than, actually,” Edward said as James slipped into the room, shutting the door behind him. “James is home.”

Sarah gave a soft gasp. “Our James?”

Since she clearly hadn’t noticed him yet, James stepped forward, clearing his throat as he did.

Sarah’s eyes widened when she saw him, a hand flying halfway to her mouth before she changed her mind and reached out to James instead. “Oh, James…”

James smiled softly, joining Sarah on the bed and taking the proffered hand. “I look dreadful, I know.”

Sarah shook her head. “But you’re home, and that’s all that matters.”

James felt like he might start weeping again. He hadn’t expected to be so overwhelmed by the comforts of being home.

“Why don’t you take off your jacket and boots and rest in bed with me, you look exhausted” Sarah said. “And it’s dreadfully boring being cooped up in bed. Oh! Has Ed told you about Alice?”

“He did,” James said. “I’m touched, I can’t wait to meet her.”

“You will before long I’m sure,” Ed said. “Sarah has been insisting on nursing herself instead of hiring a new nursemaid who can.”

“The doctor said it was perfectly safe,” Sarah shot back. “Nursemaids can make a career out of it to no ill effect.”

Edward sighed fondly. “We’ve had this argument many times.”

“And I always win on the same point,” Sarah said, grinning. “Now I did mean it when I said you should lie down with me James. Heaven knows you need it.”

James began to protest, particularly on the grounds of if the nursemaid should walk in, but Sarah waved the concern off. “If Ed’s here with us then there should be no cause for gossip, besides our staff has been chosen based on their ability to keep secrets.”

“Sarah’s hiring procedures are very thorough,” Edward said, seating himself in a chair to remove the house slippers he’d been wearing.

If Edward and Sarah weren’t concerned, James told himself as he began divesting himself of jacket and boots, then there was no reason for him to be either.

Once Sarah deemed him suitably undressed (sans waistcoat and cravat as well), he was ushered into the bed by both her and Edward, who joined them after James was settled.

A part of James had worried that being held like this would be too reminiscent of having to share a sack with Francis to keep warm, but it wasn’t. The difference of the soft bed alone was enough to dispel that thought and he found himself drifting off almost at once. The last thing he could recall, before falling asleep entirely, was Edward pressing a kiss to the back of his neck and murmuring something that might have been “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Historical Notes:
> 
> 1\. Edward Charlewood was Fitzjames IRL BFF. They both were on the Euphrates expedition under Captain Francis Rawdon (yes, i know) Chesney, and were known as the Euphrates Twins. They got up to so much shit together, they stole and ate an entire pudding once and another time burst in on their landlady sleeping _because their pillow fight got a bit too rowdy_
> 
> 2\. Accurate info about Charlewood is hard to come by. His geneaology listings say he was an Admiral, but I can't find a rank for him past Captain. The dates of his twelve (12) children's births are hazy at best, with Annie Sophie (James' god-daughter) being at one point listed as being born before he even married his wife Sarah. There was another listing that had him living in Kentucky in 1851, which is wrong for even more reasons. 
> 
> For the most part I've kept what I can confirm through Charlewood's memoir, which includes a letter from Fitzjames that includes the line "I hope my god-daughter and your other birds are well." (implying multiple children before James left in 1845) and what is confirmable through the Battersby bio (the ages of Annie and Alice). But I've fudged a lot re: the kiddos.
> 
> 3\. Charlewood ended his career (as I can trace it) working on the railways and in the coast guard after he was blacklisted by the Royal Navy because of United States-Britain relations, and the United States considering Charlewood basically a pirate for the role he played helping Mexico during some Mexico-United States fighting. This had a direct impact on why he wasn't on the Franklin expedition, which Fitzjames tried very hard to get him a spot on.
> 
> 4\. Fitzjames and Charlewood very nearly went to Antarctica with Ross and Crozier. They volunteered, Captain Chesney wrote them letters of recommendation, _Ross wanted them and later complained to Franklin in Van Dieman's Land that he didn't get them_ , but the Admiralty said no, we just trained them to be gunnery lieutenants, so we're gonna have them to that instead.


End file.
